Polyamory after the birth of a new child

This content is 4 years old which means my opinions or advice on this issue may have changed. Please, read this page keeping its age in your mind and feel free to re-ask a similar question.

I’ve been in a relationship with my current boyfriend — or I should say husband — for a little over three years now. We got married a year ago just before our now one-year-old daughter was born. (Marriage doesn’t have so much meaning to us. It was more for practical reasons that we did. But we did very much love each other. It also all happened very fast, if compared to “traditional relationships”: meeting, falling in love, moving together, having a kid.) I’d been in an open relationship before.

And I have had a very active sex life with constantly changing affairs and many one-night stands but no real long-lasting relationships. He had been more the type to go from one long-lasting relationship to the next. Non-monogamy had never been an option in his previous relationships.

When our daughter was about seven months old, he came to me with his wish to open up our relationship. He wasn’t feeling sexually fulfilled and was unhappy with our relationship (lack of communication, not seeing each other). But the primary impulse for him to open the relationship, was, I think, sexual. At the time my response was “yes”, even though I felt hurt. I had just weaned our daughter, or was even still in the process of weaning.

But, motherhood, not being economically active — I had been at home for 7 months with our daughter — I just wasn’t in a very good place. Didn’t feel like myself, didn’t feel strong or self-confident. So, I guess, I said yes in the hope to save the relationship, hoping that this was only a temporary situation where he finds sexual fulfilment until I could be more myself again. But I also said yes because I myself had a positive experience with an open relationship and thought “yeah, sure let’s give it a try in ours”.

And so it happened that he met another woman and fell in love. I, for my part didn’t have the capacity nor the time to go out and meet other people. Until now. But I feel that there is and has been an imbalance in our relationship since we opened up. He openly said that he loves this woman and wants to delve in to what ever they are having to find out what that might become.

At the same time he reassures me that he still loves me, however in a different way. And also that he wants us to be loving parents for our daughter, to whom he is a great father. We are also having more sex again, and I also feel that the sex has gotten better.

But I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing. I really still believe in the power of our relationship, and I have told him this. However, he is doubting this, he strongly doubts whether our relationship can ever give him what he needs. I feel hurt that he would decide to go out of our relationship at a point where I felt most vulnerable. And I feel betrayed for this.

So I’m turn between giving into my hurt feelings and reacting strongly by ending the relationship or at least putting a break on it and accepting his decision to leave and find fulfilment in the affair. Even though I am hurt and I feel that trust has been broken, I can understand why he did this. And I know I should rely on myself and do what feels right to me. But it is so hard to feel or know what that is, Then there is also a daughter and I just don’t want to let go of the idea of being a family together (and that in my eyes can work with a non monogamous relationship as well).

But I am so afraid of betrayal, afraid that he will leave me for the other woman. I know that I should maybe just accept this fear and be open about it. But I don’t know how to do that. Until now I have been very understanding and accepting. Being clear and decided about what I want and my feelings has never been easy for me.

There are few things here that I want to address:

  • The reasons people choose polyamory
  • Instability and polyamory
  • Polyamory and children

The reasons people choose polyamory

People choose polyamory for all sorts of reasons. Some people feel naturally inclined towards it. Others, like myself, see the massive benefits that it can offer them even as there are negative aspects of it. While I don’t feel like there isn’t really an ideal reason for choosing polyamory, I do think that there are times when your reasons make sense and times when your reasons don’t make sense.

When you have a child, as I’m sure you know, it can and will change your relationship completely. Children take time, energy, and effort as they should because they’re human beings that require constant care. A child is a huge shift and change in the lives of the people who take care of them and it’s especially a huge shift for the individual who gives birth to that child. I’ve read so many stories from people who have had children who feel they have to pretend like pregnancy and birth were joyful, emotionally beautiful things but in many ways, they felt like they were intense, difficult, traumatic and it took them a long time to recover.

You don’t mention the impact your child’s birth on you, but I’m thinking… seven months after giving birth to a child, I would not expect you to be back to the way you were before the child was born in terms of your body. And in fact, if I were to have a child, I would expect the reality that my relationships would all change because my child would become my new primary focus in life. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want to have children.

I don’t know what your husband’s expectations were for after he had children, but his reasons for wanting an open relationship and the time he wants them really indicate to me that he had no idea how much having a child would change his relationship and, while I’m not saying he doesn’t want a child, he was unprepared with how a child would impact his relationships. It is actually quite normal for couples to struggle to find time together after having a new child. In fact, many people who have children don’t even physically recover from birth until a year after the birth.

He indicates multiple times that he wants polyamory because your relationship is not giving him what he needs — but what is it that he needs? What is it that he’s expecting? This leads me to my second point.

Instability and polyamory

Some people have a misunderstanding that all relationships should be ‘equal’ in many ways but the reality of life is that so many of our relationships involve some inequity due to instability. If your partner gets ill, your relationship will be balanced differently to allow you to take care of them. In some cases where partners are disabled, there might what would be seen as an imbalance in other relationships, but it works within their relationship.

A child is going to cause instability and an imbalance. Your body is the one that gave the birth and I’m assuming you may have breastfed. Either way, it’s going to be imbalanced and others have to be able to be willing to step up and respond to that. It’s not a surprise that you have mixed feelings. At a time where things are unstable already due to the new life you are taking on, he’s essentially introduced another level of instability which, in a way, has been blamed on your relationship’s inability to meet his needs. Rather than re-assuring you and giving you support during a very difficult time, he’s demonstrated that he is going to look out for his needs first and foremost, regardless of the time or place.

Maybe I’m feeling a bit irritated on your behalf but I kind of feel like if you commit to having a child and commit to being a parent, that means that you sacrifice the ‘fun’ in your life to provide for that child. That doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of any happiness, but the solution to relationship problems is not to add more people or complexity to it. Why was his first instinct not to get a therapist for you both? To try and schedule some time together to work out your communication issues?

Of course, you feel nervous about it. He doesn’t seem willing to actually work on the problems you’re having or at least accept that there will be a temporary state of discomfort involved in a major life-changing event like having a child and is concerned primarily with fulfilling his needs. What about yours?

You say that you did this more to save the relationship and if I were you, I’d be so incredibly angry about that. You just gave birth to a child and he puts you in a position where basically you have to agree to this or potentially be a single mother? While you say he is a good father and is committed to that, I have to wonder, if this is how he responds to challenges, how he is going to respond to the challenges of parenthood? You can break up with a person, but you can’t break up with a child.

Or at least you can, but that’s… kind of a dick move.

Polyamory and children

The good thing about polyamory and about alternative families in general is that people can get together to provide support for a child without having to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with each other and I think, if what you say about him being committed to being a parent is true, it’s worth you considering this as an option for your life.

What needs to happen is that you both get a relationships therapist and work on the problems in your relationship. Your mixed feelings are a combination of love you feel mixed with the red flags that he’s exhibiting what is essentially very selfish behaviour. I want to believe he can definitely change this if it’s pointed out to him or, at the very least, if he doesn’t want to be in this type of relationship anymore, he can still be a decent father to his child.

I can tell you honestly in my experience that it didn’t so much matter who the adults were involved in my life, just that they kept their word. Not every child needs a mother, father, whatever. The titles of the person aren’t important. What a child does need is stability and people who will provide that for them and they need someone who isn’t going to abandon them. As long as he’s willing to be a good father and not abandon his child, then you can have a friendship with him at least.

But overall, I feel if you can work on your issues together. Re-build that and then see where you are in terms of pursuing other people, wanting to put your relationship with him on hold, etc. Your feelings are valid here and I do think you need to see if he’s willing to put the work into your relationship. Who knows? Maybe he is and he just doesn’t know how to fix things by himself. Give that a try before you decide to shift the nature of your relationship.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Note: I wrote this column in 2017, so it’s possible my perspective on this may have shifted or expanded. Please feel free to resubmit a similar question.

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If you have a non-monogamous relationships question to ask, please email it to nonmonogamyhelp@gmail.com. Your question will be posted anonymously.

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Turning a couple into a triad

This content is 4 years old which means my opinions or advice on this issue may have changed. Please, read this page keeping its age in your mind and feel free to re-ask a similar question.

CN: Question contains explicit sexual content.

My husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship for five years, and married for three. For the last few months we’ve wanted to add a third member to our family. Two weeks ago we reconnected with a girl that we went to high school with and considered her for our family. She was in need of a place to stay and we have lots of space so we asked her to come stay with us for a while.

She and my husband have a deep history together, they’ve been very close friends for eight years. She associates as lesbian, and throughout their friendship they’ve been like “bros.”

When she first voiced her interest in creating a relationship with us she said she was really only sexually interested in me, but loves my husband and would be happy with both of us. I perceived their love as more of a soul friend relationship than romance between them, and I was very excited to begin the journey of falling in love with her.

After one night we all had sex together.

We were all in consent, we talked about it beforehand, and I thought I was ready. What I expected from our sex together (all three of us enjoying each other) was not what happened. What happened was my husband having sex with her and I was left on the side.

The next morning I voiced my feelings to each of them. We all agreed we should take it slower and be more inclusive. My biggest concern was that I didn’t have feelings for her yet.

Throughout the day my husband would touch her, rub her, kiss her, hug her, and sort of ignore me. He would state how delicious her pussy tasted and how amazing her ass is in lingerie. He didn’t offer me any compliments. I voiced my feelings and he reassured me that he and she were just friends. Then he asked me if he could fuck her while I was at work.

I told him that I want for our sex to be all inclusive right now, and I’m not comfortable with him having sex with her alone or even penetrating her anymore. He agreed, and so did she.

That night we all had sex again. I was uncomfortable, drunk, and very sleepy. I fell asleep for a minute and I woke up to my husband pushing me to the edge of the bed and then proceeding to have non-penetrating sex with her. I didn’t know what to do so I just laid there and pretended to be asleep.

I could hear the passion in their voices, the moaning, the shaking, the kisses. I felt completely alone in the world and devastated at what was happening. I felt like he didn’t care about what I wanted with the relationship, for us all to have sex together. I felt like she didn’t care either. I felt like they were in love and in ecstasy and they didn’t need me. I couldn’t make myself make them stop, because I love my husband so much and I want him to happy and satisfied.

After she had an orgasm he put his penis on her clit and tried to get her off again. At this point I laid with my eyes open, staring, and crying, because I felt so betrayed and alone. We had talked specifically about non-penetration and he was going into that situation anyway.

When they noticed me crying they stopped and I left the room.

We’ve talked a lot since then and I feel like we’ve come to a lot of good conclusions. They both say that they are comfortable to be friends who love each other but don’t have sex unless I’m there, for right now. But it’s the “for now” part that gets me. They say things like “until you’re comfortable,” or “until you get to that point.” That makes me feel like I’m forcing them to suppress passions and I can’t stand the thought of that because I want my husband to be happy. And also, forcing someone to not do something that they really want to do is how people get cheated on.

She and I have been on a date since then, we’ve been on a group date, and last night they both made dinner for me when I got home from work. I feel happy with them both as companions. I feel more happy than I have in a long time.

But I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sickening feeling of them fucking while I was laying beside them, presumed to be asleep.

I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for it. I don’t know if I will ever be okay with them having their own sexual relationship. I don’t know if I can move past the way it feels to not be needed, wanted, or thought of, even though I was laying beside them.

We’ve all decided that for now our sexual relationship will work like a “v” unless we are all three together and I am comfortable for him to do things with her. I feel like a dictator. I feel like a selfish sap. I feel like I’m keeping them both from what they really want. I’ve asked my husband to keep his hands from wandering and this morning he put them between her legs. and then laid his head on her waist and hugged her around the thighs.

Clearly he wants more than I am comfortable with right now, because even after hours and hours of emotional processing, he still does it.

We’ve all agreed to take a step back, that we got sexual too fast, that we want to give our relationship it’s honest best chance of survival.

So I guess in all this, I want to know what to do. Do I surrender and give permission for them to do what they want because I want them to be happy? Do I keep telling them how I feel and making them hate me for it? Do I move out of the way completely, which I would if that would make them happy. Do I let them pretend like everything is okay and they want me to be happy and then constantly wonder what they’re doing when I’m not there?

Do I tell them I think she is the wrong girl for us, which I don’t I just think a mistake was made, and ask her to leave? How do I handle my feelings? When I see them holding hands or touching and I feel so alone and like I have no place with them? How do I handle the way I feel? I’ve been open and told them, but in kinder words. I said my feelings are hurt, but really my heart is broken. I said I was uncomfortable, but actually I’m terrified and sickened. I said I was okay, but I feel so utterly alone and on the outside.

We have all talked and we think it may be best for her to go back to her old place and maybe we just date and see what happens, but I’m afraid they will cheat on me. I also don’t feel confident that I will ever be comfortable with her again, because I feel so broken.

I’m sorry I wrote you a novel, and I’m really praying that this is the kind of thing you guys do, answer a crazy loaded email from a first time poly who is terrified that she’s now the third wheel in her own marriage. Thank you so much, in advance.

There’s a lot going on here and I have to say, this situation sounded a bit doomed from the start, I’m afraid.

Triads as the ‘safer’ option

A lot of people new to polyamory and non-monogamy want a triad, especially people in couples, and this is where unicorn hunting usually comes in. From their perspective, a triad is the ideal because it means that they both get an extra partner, they get to minimise their chance of STI risk, and in some (unfair and wrong) cases, the couple believes that if worse comes to worse, they can chuck the third and go back to being monogamous. I’m not saying this was your thought process going into this, just clarifying the motivations couples often have for dating together rather than independently.

But if you stop to think about a triad from the perspective of a (usually) single individual entering what is a couple hierarchy, there are pretty much no pros and all cons. Not only are you entering into a relationship where two people have a long standing history with each other that you realistically won’t have with either two people, but you’re expected, even when dating a couple, to somehow feel the same for both people when that’s sometimes not how feelings work. In this case, the fact that your husband and this woman had a prior history almost put you in the secondary situation in some cases.

The crucial and first problem here though is setting up a triad without a reason to. Just because someone knows your partner doesn’t mean they should join your family. You didn’t have any history with this person or any idea if you’d fall in love and you set the wheels in motion with the assurance it would happen when that is hardly something you or anyone can guarantee. That was the first problem.

Cheating — it can happen in polyamory!

When you all discussed the terms of this relationship, it was agreed that this woman would not have a sexual relationship with your husband. Or at least, that’s what you wrote. It sounds like she said she was only sexually interested in you.

I’m very, very, very confused as to why you all had sex together if that was the case. It almost seems like she was lying about her sexual interest in your husband and he was lying about it. I don’t know who brought up the idea that you’d have a threesome and why you all agreed to it, but you don’t say, “Oh I’m not sexually interested in you” and then… unless there are extenuating circumstances, have sex with them.

And it was clear when you did have that experience, that they would absolutely be having sex which doesn’t make sense. You negotiated consent… then surely them not having sex would have been something that came up in that? I’m just very confused as to how this could begin like this and then end up so differently.

At some point, it feels like deceit had to be involved on the part of both your husband or this woman. Either deceit to themselves, to you or both. They clearly are sexually attracted to one another and want to be sexual with one another, and if they thought they were doing you a favour by pretending like they’re not or trying to start this relationship as non-sexual and then trying to ‘go with the flow’ based on your reactions… they were not doing you a favour. They were not honest. And it depends on how you define cheating in your relationship but… I think people going back on their promises and lying about the nature of their relationships is fundamentally cheating.

And the lack of honesty explains perfectly why you’re feeling the way that you are.

Lack of consistency will breed insecurity

Your relationship was initially built upon the agreement, in your mind anyway, that your husband and this woman would not be having sex or indeed have a sexual relationship at all. When you agree to that and then someone then doesn’t do that… well, you’re going to be insecure and scared. That makes perfect sense. You are not a monster or a dictator for wanting them to go back to the agreement you had from the start. If they didn’t want to non-sexual relationship, they should have been more honest with you about that.

You did not have the informed consent from the start of this relationship to agree to anything. What this has proven to you is that things will and can happen with or without regard to your feelings or consent. So it makes perfect sense that you’re afraid of what this means widely for your relationship with both of them. And how are you meant to begin to fall in love with someone who does not respect your boundaries or their first agreements with you?

It is absolutely, perfectly normal for you to feel unhappy about this. You’re not wrong to feel this way. You are not the bad guy. You are not the dictator. This is not an episode of the Young and the Restless. These people are two grown adults who are perfectly capable of keeping it in their respective trousers. They agreed to be in a relationship and to respect your feelings. If that means they can’t be shagging constantly, then that is something you are going to have to give yourself permission to be okay about. Which leads me to the next problem in this.

You deserve to be happy too

Your letter is full of worry about them and their feelings with little regard to your own. This situation has broken your heart because you have been lied to and told one thing and something else has happened. And on top of this, your husband, the established relationship you have, is not helping matters by ignoring you and not meeting even the basic needs of the relationship you’d have with him. And being “a guy” is no excuse for any of this.

Sometimes our happiness and what it means doesn’t match with others and that makes us incompatible. What is clear to me is that both this woman and your husband have shown a basic disregard for you. Maybe at some point you can build a relationship with this woman, but not in these circumstances. You cannot heal in the same environment which has made you sick. She has to leave the house if anything is going to be solved, in my opinion.

Then, your husband needs to do the work to rebuild your trust. You’ve said you switched to polyamory with no explanation as to whose idea this was or why. You may need to do some soul searching and ask yourself if this is what you really want. Are you happy with him continuing to ‘date’ this woman so long as his contact with her doesn’t inhibit his ability to meet your needs? Or do you feel like you need to return to monogamy for a bit in order to rebuild that trust with him?

I wrote previously about switching back to monogamy and I don’t recommend it as a solution because it isn’t a solution. It’s a band-aid for a gaping wound. It’s clear your husband has violated your trust and boundaries. He’s going to need to build that up again before you look at another third, if that’s even what you want.

If you do look at another third, or in any case in the future, your husband and this other person must be honest with you about the nature of their relationship. And do not build a third, especially in such a concrete way where you do not have a solace way from it (i.e. someone moving in) expecting that your feelings will follow because you cannot guarantee that at all.

This is scary because it’s going to test the foundation of your relationship. Does your husband want to be with this woman so badly he will sacrifice you? He might. You need to prepare yourself physically for that potentiality. Think about where you’ll go in your life if you need to move out of this house and go your own way. It’s not a fun thing to think about, but it might very well be the possibility.

Forgiving yourself for your boundaries

Lastly, please forgive yourself for having the feelings you are having and be honest yourself about them. I know it’s hard. Especially when you don’t regard your feelings as valid because they are inconvenient. But if your husband truly cares for you, he will not want you to lie about how you are feeling. And if I’m reading this wrong, it may be possible that they were able to pretend to themselves that their relationship would be non-sexual because you were willing to pretend to yourself that you were okay with things you were not okay with.

Not being okay with things doesn’t make you a bad person. I’d suggest you reading Thirteen things I wish I’d learnt before choosing non-monogamy . Not to toot my own horn, but some of these feelings of disregarding your own emotions and considering yourself to be a dictator for having boundaries is really addressed there and is pretty common for people in polyamory starting out to feel.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Note: This column was written in 2017 and it’s possible my perspectives may have shifted or expanded since them. Feel free to ask a similar question if you need to.

Do you have a question?

If you have a non-monogamous relationships question to ask, please email it to nonmonogamyhelp@gmail.com. Your question will be posted anonymously.

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Successful solo polyamory and control

This content is 4 years old which means my opinions or advice on this issue may have changed. Please, read this page keeping its age in your mind and feel free to re-ask a similar question.

From monogamy to solo poly[amory]. How to do this? I’m breaking up with a live in partner to pursue solo polyamory — I don’t want to be part of a couple, and I don’t want my other relationships to be controlled by another person, but I do want to have relationships with multiple people and have my own life. How do I go about separating my life and doing my thing?

There are a few things to address here that have to do with what you’ve chosen and how you go about what you’re hoping to achieve.

What you want out of polyamory

I’m assuming that by choosing to do solo polyamory that you have thought about why polyamory is the right approach for you and what it means for you. In general, I think that’s good advice I’d give to anyone regardless of their approach to polyamory. Knowing what you want out of it and why you’ve chosen it is incredibly important so many people jump into it, especially if they’re dating someone who wants to do it and they go from monogamy to polyamory within that relationship, and they don’t think about why they have actually decided to do this.

You’ve focused a lot here on what you don’t want, but it’s also important to think about what you do want. How do you see relationships playing out in your life and what do you want out of them? I think that’s very important to think about because sometimes the scripts we’re given for how relationships go is from a perspective of monogamy where there is an expectation of two people being the primary source of emotional support for the other.

It’s easy to think about ways you might not be treated as an equal as a ‘secondary’ partner if you’re practicing solo polyamory but you may face the very real situation of dating multiple people who will be the primary source of emotional support for one person they live with and therefore, might not be able to provide as much support for you. It’s possible that’s not something you need, but it’s always worth thinking about why you want these relationships and what they bring to your life rather than just things you want to avoid.

What I think might be worth you thinking about is what it means to have your own life and what aspects of your own life you want to separate. I’m talking about even delineating days where you have your own time and it’s for sure your time. Whenever a relationship is struggling, especially when people live with someone they’re in a relationship with, as I’m sure you know, it’s easy to forget to schedule time together. I would suggest that if you’re worried about relationships creeping into your life and you not having your own time to yourself, schedule it off and make it clear to whoever you date that this is your time and it’s non-negotiable. Treat the relationship you have with yourself as a relationship in its own right, maybe even a ‘primary’ type of relationship.

Owning time responsibility

This brings me to the next point I want to address when you talk about not wanting your relationships ‘controlled by another person’. This is something I see constantly on polyamory forums when people ask for help. And it always comes down to someone saying something like this: “I had to reschedule my time with one partner because my primary partner got upset” and this needs to become the polyamory equivalent of someone in a monogamous relationship saying they haven’t helped out with any house work or other responsibilities because they haven’t been told to. In essence, it’s complete and utter rubbish.

People are forever trying to blame their primary partner for a “secondary” relationship failing but the fact of the matter is that if you date someone who is skiving you off or ignoring your needs, that is *their* responsibility. They might give you the excuse that they can’t do x, y, or z with you because of their primary partner but it just that — an excuse.

Each individual makes their own personal decisions about how to spend their time, or they choose to allow other people to dictate how their time is spent, but either way, it’s their choice and their choice alone. There are too many questions in polyamory forums from secondaries trying to figure out how to improve the relationship with their metamour who is the primary of their partner to try and solve this issue when in fact it is the partner they share who holds the responsibility for delegating time.

Nine times out of ten, this question is always being asked by women and non-men trying to figure out how to improve the relationship they have with their boyfriend’s wife instead of asking why their boyfriend is failing to take responsibility for his time and is just blaming everything on the women and non-men in his life instead of stepping up and taking responsibility for how he chooses to spend his time. He steps out, stays silent and the women are left to do the emotional labour when it’s actually him not taking responsibility for his own life. Not saying women and non-men don’t do this, but most of the questions I’ve seen like this are from women. So if you are dating primarily or only men, be aware of this trend.

Your relationships will not be controlled by anyone other than the people you are in a relationship with. Anyone who gives you a sob story about a primary or anyone else (because, despite what people might say about couple privilege, this type of stuff happens outside of those scenarios) and says that they are the reason you aren’t getting what you need out of a relationship, don’t accept that. It’s one thing if they legitimately have partners who need more focus and they are being stretched — and that’s fine. But what that means then is that they need to do the adult thing and realise that they have bitten off more than they can chew and not have more relationships than they can reasonably manage instead of passing the buck of responsibility off to others.

Can you control your relationships?

Ultimately, though, you cannot control how your relationships will go. You can control communicating your wants and needs very clearly and you can control whether you decide to stay with someone who is not meeting your needs, but do realise that you can make the best choices for you and still end up with someone who disappoints you. Or as Jean-Luc Picard once said, “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life.”

In this process of solo polyamory, just as you did when you were starting new relationships in life, you’re going to learn from the things you do and sometimes those experiences will be awesome and sometimes they won’t be. A lot of polyamorous people when starting out feel this pressure to have a good time all of the time when no such requirement is placed on monogamy. In fact, loads of comedians make constant jokes about how monogamy is a miserable time. Polyamorous people sometimes internalise the idea that their relationships not going well means that they’ve somehow failed or can’t do polyamory when really, it’s just a relationship that didn’t work out.

I’d also encourage you to remember if you don’t already know, that the sign of a ‘successful’ relationship doesn’t have to be that you or the other person(s) don’t make it out alive. It’s okay to shoot for a long term relationship or want that, but sometimes I think a lot of the trauma of a breakup comes from the cultural mindset of a breakup representing a personal failure. Sometimes relationships end and it’s the best thing for both people and that isn’t always a ‘failure’ in a complete sense.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Note: I wrote this column in 2017, so it’s possible my perspective has grown or shifted. If you want, please feel free to re-ask this question.

Do you have a question?

If you have a non-monogamous relationships question to ask, please email it to nonmonogamyhelp@gmail.com. Your question will be posted anonymously.

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Lack of polyamorous family role models?

This content is 5 years old which means my opinions or advice on this issue may have changed. Please, read this page keeping its age in your mind and feel free to re-ask a similar question.

Hi there! I am a 31 year old that identifies as female, bisexual, and kinky. I have a primary partner, as well as a secondary partner and a play partner that I see very occasionally.

My dilemma is this — I really want to start a family in the next 1–2 years. As in, make babies and raise them into adult humans. I get mad anxiety and uncomfortable feels around my primary partner and his other partners. I don’t get this with my secondary. I’ve been puzzling over why.

One thing I am starting to suspect is that, well, I go to future mind often re: my primary — I can see raising humans with him, building a home and a family with him. When I imagine this, I feel good — we can be amazing parents. At the same time — how the actual fuck does family building work in a non-monogamous/polyamorous context?

I have no role models, and a lot of folks in our local polyamorous community are in the childfree camp and so haven’t considered this challenge before. When I’ve asked folk I know, they often say, well, I’m childfree and don’t want kids, so I’ll leave the answering of that to people that have done it. So far, I can’t find people that have done it, unless they were mono — married — made babies and then opened things up.

In my case, my primary and I have been open from the beginning. I think this might be fuelling some of my discomfort — I have no idea, no blueprint of how family building happens in the non-mono world. In mono life, I know what kind of steps I’d take to progress in that direction.

Also — I guess I worry a little as I think there are some power imbalances inherent in the non-mono world — my primary is a white cis male with more money than me. I’ve read what you’ve written, about how in the non-mono community there’s such a focus on total independence, not needing anyone, and how this favours those that have more privilege, money, and time.

It’s like, if we have kids, well, I’d need to know that there was a commitment to the family building and that the time and resources needed for raising humans would be available, and that I wouldn’t be seen as ‘dramatic’ for these needs, especially if I were at home with the children for a while, or doing a larger share of the emotional labour that gets done in the home (I know how these things work — women almost always wind up with the largest share of this labour, not matter the best of intentions or how feminist a cis hetero male partner aspires to be).

So, short version — any advice about family building as a non-mono person — resources, things to watch out for, how to negotiate family building without the help of all of the inbuilt assumptions that come along with cis hetero relationship escalator relationship?

There are a few things I want to address with this question:

  • The ‘lack’ of role models
  • Imbalances of power
  • Anxiety about other partners

All three of these are kind of combining to create this issue.

‘Lack’ of polyamorous role models

Honestly, the belief that there are no ‘role models’ for polyamorous families isn’t accurate. I’m going to make the assumption from what you’ve written that the below information might either be new or something you’ve not thought of before and if I’m wrong about that, I apologise.

Blended and differing families are not new, it’s just that white middle class polyamorous people are looking for models in the places they look for models of other white middle class people. Loads of people have lived in families made up of aunts, uncles, and other people who contribute to childcare in ways that are ‘non-traditional’, they just either tend not to be middle class or wealthy or tend not to be white.

The 50s in the US reignited this focus on getting women out of the factories and back into the home so that men returning from war would have their own jobs back. And with it came this mis-comprehension of the ‘nuclear’ family as a ‘tradition’. But it’s not traditional at all. It’s good for capitalism, no doubt. If two people families are struggling among/against one another to each own their house with a picket fence and 2.5 children and pet, then it’s good for capitalism because people aren’t sharing resources. In fact, the rise of the idea of the nuclear family was not always seen as positive:

Not so long ago, family scholars labored under the assumption, half-Marxist, half-“functionalist,” that before the Industrial Revolution, the extended family was the norm in the Western world. There was more than a little romanticism associated with this view: extended families were imagined to have lived in warm, cohesive rural communities where men and women worked together on farms or in small cottage industries. That way of life, went the thinking, ended when industrialization wrenched rural folk away from their cottages and villages into the teeming, anonymous city, sent men into the factories, and consigned women to domestic drudgery. Worse, by upending the household economy, the Industrial Revolution seriously weakened the family. The nuclear family, it was believed, was evidence of family decline. — The Real Roots of the Nuclear Family

But actually, the two parent ‘traditional’ family is not traditional. Human beings have been raising children as groups for ages. I would encourage you to look beyond the current circles you’re in because the white middle class is really where this ‘traditional’ model has sold and taken effect — because those people have had the privilege of being able to actually do ‘nuclear’ to the effect that it’s become their norm. And thanks to a combination of factors even the nuclear family ideal is in decline. If you look at the World Family Map from 2015, a good deal of children around the world may have two parents (adoptive, step, and biological) but also live with extended family members and others.

I grew up in a ‘non-traditional’ family at times. I did have the two parents and despite the fact that neither of them had high school diplomas (my mother had a GED and a 2 year degree), thanks to the privilege of my father’s wealthy mother, we had somewhere to stay and didn’t have to live in low income housing. But at times my aunts lived with us. And many of my mother’s relatives have had grandparents living with them at certain points because people can’t afford nursing homes and other solutions. In many families, elders rejoining the household is normal and expected.

So, this ‘problem’ isn’t actually a problem. It’s just that polyamory communities tend to be dominated by white middle class people who have only witnessed one type of family due to their privilege and assume this is not only a default (due to their whiteness) but also that it’s ‘normal’ because of what society tells them.

I’d encourage you to expand your social circle, find polyamorous communities that aren’t dominated by white middle class people and find those connections, if you haven’t already.

Addressing the other issue, I do know of a few polyamorous people who have kids but… truthfully, what I have witnessed are very few men stepping up. A lot of the childcare I see is done by either women or folks read as women. Or most of the discussions about childcare in polyamorous communities is dominated by women or folks read as women discussing strategies. Men tend to be very, very silent.

Initially, I wanted children very much. In fact, I chose non-monogamy because having more than one parent is beneficial, but I was wary. I grew up knowing my parents dated other people and assumed they dated each other and I knew that wasn’t an issue for me as a child — the issue was when people would come into my life and pretend to care for me and be a parent figure to me and then leave and never speak to me again. That was painful.

So I wanted to find multiple co-parents who were ready to give a child what it needs. Especially since as a disabled person, I don’t have very many spoons to give a child. And I thought, given all of the polyamory rhetoric about how commitment is SO important to polyamorous people, I’d surely find multiple people willing to co-parent. Right? Right?

Wrong. To be honest, I can barely find polyamorous people willing to commit to what I consider a relationship. I want to see people more than once a month or at a party when they just want to have sex with me. I want them to speak to me and take an interest in my life. Sure, I can find many ‘partner’s who will gladly have sex with me once in awhile and maybe go out on a date, but no one willing to actually be in what I consider a relationship — let alone raise a child.

Siderants aside, I think you should do three things: look at models of co-parenting that aren’t white and middle class and also consider a model of co-parenting that isn’t centred around romantic relationships. Another avenue I considered before changing my mind about having children was raising a child with a friend I knew I could trust. And many people are doing this. Non-binary and awesome chef Jack Monroe recently shared this article about friends co-parenting.

And the last thing? Trust your gut. If you can’t trust someone you’re in a relationship to follow through on basic things, don’t have a child with that person. I feel like if someone I’m with can’t put forth 100% towards me and is selfish about their own needs, I don’t trust them to be able to put aside their needs to devote to a child. Which leads me to the next issue.

Natural imbalance of power

One of the reasons ‘relationship anarchy’ never seemed like a model I could go with was because, when I did want kids, there was no way in hell my relationships would all be ‘equal’. Fundamentally, there is and SHOULD be a hierarchy when there is a child involved. Barring some extreme circumstances, if you commit to being a parent, your child is your new ‘primary’. Period.

So I firmly believe if you decide to have a child with anyone regardless, that child and their needs must become the primary focus of all of the people choosing to be parents. I don’t believe people can be decent or good parents if they do not put their child first in their life.

That said, life is full of natural imbalances of power. I’m a disabled person. This doesn’t make me inherently less than anyone else in terms of my intrinsic value as a human, but point blank it does mean there are things other people can do that I can’t do. I have a degenerative eye disorder which may cause blindness eventually. Most people with my disorder are blind. When and if I do go blind, my relationships will change. I will become more reliable and dependent upon partners, most likely my primary the most, and that will inherently affect the balance of power across all of our relationships.

Of course, this can be addressed in other ways, but inherently I will have different and more time consuming needs than other people. Approaching having a disability with this ‘relationship anarchy’ style is not going to work for me because I’m going to have feelings about how some people care for me with my disability versus others. To be blunt, what if I develop a problem where I can’t wipe my own butt without help. Soz, but I’m not going to see a random acquaintance as someone who I want to help me wipe my butt as I would someone I have an established relationship with.

Having a child is going to create an imbalance of power and that’s the way it is, and almost the way it should be. And people have to respect that if they’re going to not only be parents but also be involved with you. Not to mention, children are a lot of work, to put it mildly. And all of the people parenting involved can lessen that work and make it possible for folks like me with disabilities to parent without exhausting myself. But that’s only if other people pick up the slack.

Children are exhausting, expensive, and are basically another full time job you won’t get paid for. You don’t get privacy. You might barely get sleep let alone sex. And there are all sorts of situations that could end up happening if the people you co-parent with aren’t ready to pick up that slack. I think that if you want to have a family with your primary and you trust he will pick up the slack and understand and respect the readjustment of power and focus, you need to think and talk about:

  • The role of ‘secondaries’ when it comes to the child
  • How childcare will be distributed
  • If there are co-parents
  • How co-parents are involved
  • How disciplining the child works
  • How you are going to handle legalities
  • How you will handle one co-parent leaving
  • When someone new can become a co-parent
  • Financial responsibilities and how they’re divided
  • How you will handle emergencies
  • How you will handle burn-out
  • How you will handle sex drives and lack thereof

and most importantly:

  • How you are going to handle someone not picking up the slack
  • What happens if you break up

Understand as well that things like breastfeeding or legal adoption can sometimes create a natural imbalance of power that can’t be helped, so think about how you’re going to address. Things happen and all of this may go down the gutter. Life, especially when it comes to having a brand new person thrown into the mix, is going to suddenly change. You can make all of the plans you like, but you never know what might happen.

Try your best to identify what assumptions might be made if it were just you and your partner — but don’t kick yourself if you miss something obvious because, again, sometimes you don’t know your boundaries and issues until they’re crossed.

Anxiety around other partners

When you mentioned you have a lot of anxiety around your primary partner and his other partners, but you don’t get this with your secondary partners, you assumed that it’s because you don’t have these models. But you’re not really thinking or at least talking here about what it is about other partners that makes you uncomfortable.

Is it that you are worrying about what role other partners are going to play in your family unit? Or is there something your primary is doing that is making you feel insecure about this situation? You’re talking a lot about your own feelings but not very much about your partner’s actions. You talk about being worried about your needs being seen as ‘dramatic’, doing emotional labour, as well as the fact that your primary has a significant more amount of privilege and thus, freedom, than you do.

It makes me wonder where this primary is in all this. I feel like there’s discussions you’re not having together. All of these anxieties are things he should be able to directly address. Sometimes, as I mentioned in “Thirteen things I wish I’d learned before choosing non-monogamy”, telling someone your wants and fears is terrifying in and of itself. It’s possible you’ve not had this conversation with him because you’re afraid it won’t go well.

But at this point, especially if you’re looking to bring a child into the mix, you’re only delaying the inevitable. Even though you don’t know if someone’s going to have your back sometimes until the fit hits the shan, you still need to have people step up and re-assure you. It’s different to have anxieties that stem from the way we’re treated by the world vs. having anxiety that stems from the way we’re treated by our partners. If your partner has given you any reason to believe asking for what you want is ‘dramatic’… my guess is it wouldn’t be a good idea to have a co-parenting situation with this one.

Getting to the root of your anxiety around your primary partner is going to be crucial. It’s not that you have to have a perfect relationship before you have a child, but it’s that, like adding anything new and stressful to the mix, it’s going to cause stress. And when stress is applied to situations where things aren’t stable, things might break.

In summation

To summarise things, I think you should expand your mind as to different models of co-parenting and family building and look in other places. You should try your best to address the potential pitfalls and ‘what ifs’ and how you’re going to address this as a co-parenting unit, as well as address the source of this anxiety.

When you address all of these, your anxiety and what you plan to do might be a lot easier to see.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Note: This article was written in 2017, so it’s possible I have gained a new or different perspective on this situation, so feel free to ask a similar question.

Do you have a question?

If you have a non-monogamous relationships question to ask, please email it to nonmonogamyhelp@gmail.com. Your question will be posted anonymously.

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Stagnating vs. relationship escalator

This content is 5 years old which means my opinions or advice on this issue may have changed. Please, read this page keeping its age in your mind and feel free to re-ask a similar question.

I’m currently married to a wonderful man and in a relationship with a lovely boyfriend for the last eighteen months. This is my first foray into a serious relationship outside of my primary relationship, although I’ve been open with my husband since the start. I’m struggling a lot lately with not being on the ‘relationship escalator’ with my boyfriend-there’s no joint household, marriage, or family on the horizon for us for many reasons.

My feelings for him continue to grow stronger and sweeter, but I feel like I’m cheating him (and myself) out of the opportunity for our relationship to ‘grow’ in the traditional sense. I’ve communicated this with him and he feels the same. Is there any outlet for these feelings? How can I stay happy in a relationship that feels like it’s stagnating and not allowed to follow the ‘normal’ course of a loving relationship?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, the ‘relationship escalator’ refers to the predefined script society establishes for cisgender heterosexual relationships and the process by which one relationship ‘grows’ in commitment. One big struggle of non-monogamous relationships and a huge cause of anxiety is how to perceive a level of commitment with someone without this pre-defined script.

Which brings me to your question! You haven’t specified whether your boyfriend has a ‘primary’ relationship or not, and that’s one of the biggest things I’d say impacting how you go about this. If your boyfriend doesn’t have a primary relationship, it would make sense that you might feel like you’re cheating him out of an opportunity. Does your boyfriend have an interest in having a ‘primary’ partner? Because that may be the easiest solution for this.

However, the only other option I might see is one where your primary relationship and the assumptions you have made with your primary shift, which can happen. Can your live-in partner foresee a situation where you both have other partners that live with you? Is it something that your live-in partner is willing to try? Or are the boundaries and expectations there very fixed? If you’re interested in escalating your second relationship into something that sees more commitment, then that may be a solution. But I think, in fairness, you have to also be open and willing for your husband to have a partner live with him. If you go about this, I would highly recommend a rental situation before going in on a joint purchase for obvious reasons. Liking someone and living with them are different things.

If your boyfriend moving in isn’t an option, then might you consider living some days with him? In many of my relationships which became primaries, ‘moving in’ wasn’t really instant. We sort of started with the person having clothes or a toothbrush where I lived and it grew from there. You may already be doing this, but maybe you should make being in your boyfriend’s house a more regular thing.

Another thing you might do is consider having a ceremony between you two. While you may only be able to legally marry one person at a time, a legal marriage is purely a contract of the state. The marriage ceremony itself has nothing to do with the law. I found that very few people understood that ‘marriage’ in terms of the law is purely a contract having nothing to do with the actual ceremony in many cases when I was young and had same sex parents who were ‘married’ in their eyes but not the eyes of the law. There’s no reason you can’t have a ceremony that means something to both of you and emphasises your commitment.

If housing isn’t a thing you can have in common for whatever reason, it may be possible for you all to get something jointly. I’m not sure what country you’re in or what the state of your finances are, but in some cases in London where I live, you can get allotments of land for gardening and I also share a studio with several friends. It’s possible that you two could find a shared space that you both own separate from your primary, something that could bring the two of you together.

Another option is making relationships with family members. Although I currently don’t have much contact with my own family, my primary partner has a good relationship with his family. He’s told them he’s in an open relationship but I am a partner he’s brought home to meet his family. If your boyfriend has a family that he gets along with and he’s not interested in a ‘primary’ relationship, that is another option for travelling up some sort of ‘escalator’.

If none of these are options, I’m always a fan of making your own traditions between you two. I love traditions myself, and enjoy feeling like X is something I do every year with someone. Because I’m not in contact with my family, I spend every Christmas with a few of my friends and in a way that makes them like chosen family. Maybe you should pick a day that’s special to you that’s not an outright anniversary (maybe the day you first met?) and do something special that you can do every year.

And on the whole, I think what you both should remember is that inherently, your relationships are going to differ from what society decides is the ‘norm’. If both of you are happy in your relationship, then it might be wise to try and remember that you don’t have to mimic the script of what this society says a committed relationship should look like. Try to remember that ‘marriage’ itself only has a short history of being about romantic love.

It wasn’t that long ago that romantic love was often considered a sickness, not a valid feeling. Marriage was about an exchange of property. I mean ‘husband’ comes from animal husbandry. It never used to be about love. There are a lot of things in our society that we assume have been ‘traditional’ and timeless that aren’t. Bathrooms separated by sex for example? That became a way of trying to encourage women to get back into their homes which was their ‘true’ sphere. Monogamous heterosexual marriage for the purposes of love and commitment isn’t as traditional as people assume.

Anyone choosing non-monogamy is inherently choosing a situation where any partner you have doesn’t spend all of their time and romantic energy on you, so regardless of who your partner is outside of your marriage, you’re always going to come to this impasse. The solution is either creating your own ways of bonding and merging your lives together or trying to re-examine what ‘normal’ relationships mean and how they apply to you.

I hope this helped and best of luck.

Note: This article was written in 2016, which may have meant my views on the subject could have changed. If you have a similar question, feel free to re-ask it.

Do you have a question?

If you have a non-monogamous relationships question to ask, please email it to nonmonogamyhelp@gmail.com. Your question will be posted anonymously.

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