So I’m monogamous one hundred percent I want no one else but my man, he thinks monogamy is not natural, and sex is sex and primal and you can be in a relationship with one person and fuck someone else and that’s ok. Well to me it is not ok. It makes me feel less than, like I’m not good enough, like I’m being replaced. It makes me sick. He says he doesn’t have the desire now but I don’t think I can be ok with it. I want to be the only person he is with etc. Can someone help me understand how the term ethical non monogamous? Really those words are a contradiction. He doesn’t want to date anyone else. He’s talking about sex and only sex so what exactly is it?? I think it’s cheating. I think he must not love me….

There are billions of people on the planet. To say that either monogamy or polyamory is suitable for all of those people with their diversity of lives and needs is ridiculous.

As far as “natural” goes, I’m pretty sure that vaccinations and antibiotics aren’t “natural” either and I’m pretty sure that plenty of deadly poisons are. While evolution in terms of the way that human societies have worked in the past may influence some of our proclivities today, human beings are such social creatures and we don’t know everything about how our brain forms and develops.

We speak of “nature” and “nurture” as if they were oil and water but personally I believe these two things meld — because they have had to. Humans, like most other organisms, are adaptable, mutable creatures because we have had to adapt to certain environments to survive. We are also extraordinarily social and learn through social bonding — which is why solitary confinement is torture and why neglecting children in developmental stages can be catastrophic. Trying to pull a “natural” version from our “nurtured” version simply doesn’t work because they are meshed together. I always find it funny that we’re absolutely happy to regard things like monogamy “unnatural” and not… you know, misogyny. But, hey ho.

Regardless, you know yourself better than your “man” does. For him, perhaps sex is “primal” (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean). Perhaps he is capable of being in one relationship and having sex with multiple people without it having to mean something. But sex means something to you within the context of a relationship and that is valid.

And it also makes perfect sense you would feel sick or replaceable. While I think it would undoubtedly be beneficial for you to question the narrative that a monogamous centric society has told you is true — because it’s wrapped up with a lot of other misogynistic and other problematic concepts — monogamy itself as a practice isn’t inherently a problem. And if it’s what you want, that is valid.

The key word in “Ethical Non-Monogamy” is the word ethical. Polyamory or ethical non-monogamy is about all of the people involved being informed and consenting. You being told that you should allow him to have sex with others because it’s “natural” and he has no problem with it… I wouldn’t necessarily call that ethical. People involved in this dynamic want to have this dynamic. It doesn’t sound like this is what you want and my guess, from the pop evopsych bullshit your boyfriend is trying to pull, it’s unlikely he will see it as okay for you to have sex men other than him…

If this is not something that you want, then that is valid. You don’t have to understand ethical non-monogamy. And even if he doesn’t want to date anyone else and just wants to have sex with others, you don’t have to accept that or want that. Follow your heart. If what you want is a monogamous relationship where neither you nor your partner has sex with others than go for that. Don’t force yourself to accomodate someone if it’s not what you want.

I hope that helps and good luck!

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