I met a guy on tinder (I’m a guy too) and at the very beginning he made clear to me that he has a boyfriend and that he is not looking for a hook-up and that he would like something more serious. I respected his honesty and I agreed to go out with him. It was my first date ever with a guy, I am still in the closet so I did not have any experience regarding relationships in general. The date was great and he was too.
We went out a couple of times, including one time where I slept at his house at the end of the date and we cuddled and kissed. It felt great (I almost forgot that he was in a relationship). He made it clear from the beginning that him being in a relationship would not affect me and his feeling for me ( just to clarify his boyfriend was doing the exact same thing with another guy so he was okay with us dating)! I am very quiet in general and I don’t always express emotions when he is the exact opposite, he talks quite a lot and is a very emotional guy (and he was always asking me how I felt because he couldn’t tell from my expressions) .
One day he told me he might be falling in love with me..and that is when I started to feel weird! That’s when it all became real for me and at the next dates I felt that something was holding me back and I felt kind of sad and confused so I was extra quiet (It was a mixture of anxiety from my closeted situation, I felt like everyone was watching us and awkwardness because I had to meet his boyfriend at some point)! I told him that I was not okay with sharing him with someone else and if I was in a serious relationship I would like to know that my partner didn’t share the same strong feelings with someone else and that if he wanted something deeper he would have to be alone..so I kind of ended things with him because I understand that he cant break up ( he’s in a relationship with this guy for 8 years and they have a lot of history together ).
At the beginning I thought that I would be okay with this whole triade situation but I am not (it wouldn’t be exactly a triad relationship because I would not have relations (except friends) with his boyfriend!)) So, what I’m asking is did I make a mistake? Am I being overdramatic and selfish for wanting his all to myself?
You’re going through a lot of really complicated things here. Being in the closet will add an extra bit of pressure on you and not to mention, this is your first ever relationship with a guy. Both of these situations are going to add an extra level of complexity onto this.
Most people when they enter into their first relationships don’t really know what they want. And sometimes even well into our lives we don’t know what we want or it will change as our lives change. It seems like you gave this a fair shot, to be honest with you. I don’t think you were being overdramatic or selfish. Some people really just don’t like non-monogamy and it doesn’t work for them.
I would challenge the general idea that love can only be ‘deep’ or meaningful if it’s only with one other person because I don’t think that’s always true for everyone — but it may be true for you, and that’s okay. Non-monogamy doesn’t mean committing to a situation where someone loves you less, but it absolutely does mean committing to a situation where any of your partners can’t spend all of their time with you, just by virtue of the fact that time is finite, even if our love is not.
But this might not be something you actually want. And that’s okay. What I would make sure your ex knows is that you’re not sure that non-monogamy is really for you. I’m sure that they understand that you’re new to relationships and just starting out and you might not know for sure what you want. I’m pretty sure that if you ended up changing your mind, your ex might consider having a relationship with you again, once you’ve had a chance to date around and know what you want.
I don’t think you made a mistake at all. In fact, it sounds like you gave it consideration but when things got a bit serious, it didn’t feel right to you. That’s all right. It definitely sucks to have to end a relationship, but I think you did the right thing. Date around and enjoy yourself. See how you feel. You might end up rethinking your position on non-monogamy or you might not. But whatever happens, I hope things work out for you.
Note: I wrote this column in 2018, so it’s possible my perspective on this may have shifted or expanded. Please feel free to resubmit a similar question.
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