I and my partner have a non-monogam[ous] relationship for about 1.5 years. I have a question about non-monogamy.

1. Can non-monogamous [people] marry?
2. Do they marry only one of the partners?
3. Do you think that married breaking the rules of nonmonogam[ous] relationship?

My partner has married with the other partner, I think he prioritizing his wife than me now. And I know that his wife really hates me, I have ever heard my partner babbling about his wife on me. Do you think that it’s already an unhealthy nonmonogamy relationship?

Honestly, I am not comfy with this aspect. I need your advice thank you.

He married the other partner a month a go. It happened suddenly after the govt making new law in my country. But I feel that he just seeing his wife rather than me.

Although you’re asking me if non-monogamous people can marry, I think your question is less about whether or not it’s legal, since it seems like it might be legal in your country, and more about whether or not non-monogamous people should marry.

I find that a lot of people, when they are asking questions about non-monogamy or polyamory, will ask if someone “should” be doing something or not. Or they ask if something is “normal”. While in general I do understand wanting to know if a behaviour or something your partner is doing is “usual” especially if you are just trying out non-monogamy for the first time, what matters here is how you feel.

Many non-monogamous people do marry or have marriages with one partner. As far as I know, there are only a few places where you can marry more than one person at a time. Many non-monogamous people want to be able to marry all of their partners. Some non-monogamous people don’t like the institution of marriage and don’t think it should exist at all. Opinions vary wildly.

But what’s important here is that you feel that your partner has done something without asking you and that upsets you. I think that is what is unhealthy. Even if he didn’t marry this other partner, but decided to prioritise her over you without telling you, that is a problem. Even if she didn’t hate you, it would still be a problem. It sounds like your partner is also talking negatively about this partner to you, which only adds to the problem.

The fact is that you are upset about this and for you, it is not the kind of relationship you want to have. If you are not comfortable, that is what matters first and foremost.

It concerns me that your partner did this without consulting you. It concerns me that your partner talks to you about his other partners in a way that seems to make you feel uncomfortable about them. And it concerns me that you no longer feel like a priority in his life.

I’m not sure if you have actually confronted him about this and what he has to say about it, but you need to do that first and foremost. You need to tell him that, regardless of the legal marriage, you will not accept no longer being a priority. You will not accept the changes that have happened to your relationship and he must make an effort to change that, or you will be gone. Likewise, if it makes you uncomfortable to hear him talk about his other partners, you need to say so. Whether or not that is okay to other people is irrelevant. If you are not comfortable, then he should not do it. Especially when he has no reason to.

If you have confronted him and he has either made excuses or said there is something wrong with you and this is the way non-monogamy is done, then leave. You don’t need this type of mess in your life. You deserve to be prioritised and, regardless of how other non-monogamous people behave, that does not mean you have to be okay with it if you are not.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Do you have a question?

If you have a non-monogamous relationships question to ask, please email it to nonmonogamyhelp@gmail.com. Your question will be posted anonymously.

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